Last night I watched several LGBTQ films; it got me thinking about my decision to remain “single.” The following lyrics capture the lies I tell myself:
“So if you love me let me go and run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. I can’t destroy what isn’t there. Deliver me into my fate. If I’m alone I cannot hate. I don’t deserve to have you. Ooh, my smile was taken long ago. If I can change I hope I never know.”
In reality I’m not too damaged to love or be loved by another person. And that is what scares me. Why? I care too much. I love too hard. I don’t want to open myself to someone and have them walk away. I don’t want to be hurt again. As much as I fear it, I long to share my life with another.
How do I open my heart again? I need to stop trying to convince myself that I am unlovable. My scars will always be there. I will not hide them or be ashamed of them. The right person will love me and my scars. So while I’m comfortable with remaining single; I don’t want to remain alone out of fear. It’s time to lower my walls. Its time to open myself up to the possibility of finding “my person.” I deserve to be loved and to love.
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