On Monday, I begin a new chapter working for CYFD. I wish I could say I feel confident and fearless stepping into this opportunity, but the truth is, I’m incredibly anxious.
After spending 28 years at UPS, starting over feels overwhelming. UPS became familiar. It became safe. Even during difficult times, I understood what was expected of me. There’s comfort in familiarity, especially when your brain and nervous system have spent years just trying to survive.
Since returning from Germany many years ago, I’ve struggled with PTSD and ADHD. Stress has a way of completely overwhelming my brain. Sometimes when people are explaining new information, especially in high-stress situations, it feels like they’re speaking a foreign language. My mind freezes while my inner critic gets louder.
The questions have been nonstop:
Am I capable of doing something new?
Will I understand what’s expected of me?
Will I succeed or fail?
People remind me that my USAF medical retirement and my retirement from UPS are not failures. Rationally, I know they’re probably right. But trauma has a way of rewriting your story into something much harsher. There’s still a part of me that whispers I’m broken and incapable.
But beneath all of that fear, there’s also hope.
Hope that maybe my experiences, pain, and struggles can help me connect with others in a meaningful way. Hope that this next chapter might allow me to grow instead of simply survive. Hope that maybe the parts of me I thought were ruined still have purpose.
The truth is, courage doesn’t always look confident. Sometimes courage looks like showing up while terrified. Sometimes it looks like taking the next step with shaky hands and an anxious mind.
And that’s what I plan to do on Monday.
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