July 2004 changed my life. The events I experienced during those 31 days broke me. I retuned from Germany with physical and mental injuries. And while it took a fight, I remained on active duty orders for 9 months to receive medical care. After which I completed a month of inactive duty as my psychiatrist completed the necessary steps to ensure I received treatment for my “line of duty” injuries. The 45-day deployment became a very long 13 months.
In July of 2005, I had to return to my “civilian” life. The first obstacle I faced was returning to UPS with an injury to my left shoulder. I had just been released from a “medical profile.” The day the medical profile was lifted, the Orthopedic urged me to find a different profession. Instead of giving up, I allowed the anger and frustration to outweigh the uncertainty. I returned to UPS on July 5, 2005. In the end, my shoulder injury caused minimal challenges compared to my PTSD.
Within days, my other employer, SED Medical Labs, refused to rehire me. While my employer clearly broke the law, I didn’t have any fight left in me. I accepted their decision and moved on.
When the weekend arrived, I wasn’t surprised when my girlfriend ended our relationship. Looking back, I wonder how she made it as long as she did. I was a shell of a person who was afraid to talk, laugh, and trust. While it was better, I was still struggling with my grip on reality. I didn’t want to burden her; unfortunately, my silence also kept me from being able to be in the moment. I’m sure my mental state was not the sole reason behind her decision. No matter the reason, I do not blame her for walking away.
It would take me years to understand why everything had to unfold exactly the way it did. My attendance at UPS was horrible for at least 3 years. A very understanding and patient supervisor is the only reason I’m still employed at UPS. SED Medical Labs decision not to rehire me was a blessing in disguise. I hardly made it to one job much less two jobs. There was a brief moment in which I considered giving up my job at UPS to work full-time at SED. That would have been a huge mistake. SED is no longer in business.
The failed relationship was very difficult. I know that if we had remained together, I would have done everything in my power to bury the past. I would have remained quiet about my triggers and anniversaries. Why? Being with her made me happy; she was my calm and I felt safe. I would have willed myself to be strong. I would have pushed myself to ignore the pain. The relationship had to end.; it was the only way I was able to fully face my mental illness. I had to be alone to heal.
I do not believe that traumatic events happen for a reason. Nor do I believe that trauma creates a stronger person. The trauma I experienced in Germany happened because I was seen as a “Whistleblower” and my Squadron retaliated.
I do believe that life doesn’t always go as planned. During those times, we may feel helpless and wonder why things are not working out. It is only in retrospect that we can gain understanding.
My first week back to civilian life, left me feeling defective, hopeless, and abandoned. It took several years to acknowledge that while it hurt, those things had to occur. I had to be alone. I had to allow myself to feel and embrace the anger. Alone I was able to explore my pain. Alone I was able to find my way back. Alone I was able to regain my grip on reality and escape my imaginary world.
In 2005, I felt defeated. In 2021, I understand and I am grateful.
‘Feeling older every day, took everything I had to not crash and burn. But I’m starting to learn. Sometimes I’ll fall down. Sometimes I’ll lose hope. But those days will be few if I keep my feet on the ground.
I might be lonely, but I ain’t alone here. So I keep pushing the limits of what makes me me.
All I needed was the last thing I wanted…to sit alone in a room and say it all out loud. Every moment, every second, every trespass, every awful thing, every broken dream. A couple o’ years back and forth with myself in a cage. Banging my head ‘gainst the wall, trying to put words on a page.
All I needed was the last thing I wanted…to sit alone in a room. Alone in a room”
Sharing And Surviving 