Ideas of Reference

Getting ready for work, I felt my thoughts trying to take over me. All of the events and conversation from yesterday started to shift to form a picture different than reality.

• I’m not safe.
• They’re working against me.
• I’m under surveillance (which is true with my employer).

These are just some of the fleeting undertones which sped through my mind. My pulse quickened as I searched for other signs of danger.
“Ideas of reference” is one of the hardest aftermath of the trauma I experienced in 2004. Although I’m now able to rationalize away the anxious thoughts, I wish this thought pattern would leave me. When a person looks at me, they can’t see my internal battle. I’m in a constant battle against my thoughts and the fear which lays just beneath the surface.
I’m afraid of so many things but the main thing is that I will lose myself to my thoughts. I’m afraid that I will return to the altered reality which my mind created to survive my trauma. I’m afraid to lose myself.
So as I get ready to face another day, I remind myself that I am not lost. I am safe. And no matter how many times I have to fight my thoughts, I am strong. I will continue to fight. I am not a victim. I am a SURVIVOR.