Survivor

Today as I got dressed for work, my mind wandered to the past. I wondered if I would be able to work safely or if I would be filled with anxiety all day. 

Part of me wanted to stay home and give into the anxiety. I took my time getting ready and allowed myself to reflect  on the significance of today’s date. 

My life was altered forever on this date in 2003. I will never be able to remember the details of the rape due to being drugged. I will never be able to fill in the gaps of time. I will never be able to process the evening. I wonder is it better that the night is a blur or does it hinder my ability to heal. 

All I  know is that I didn’t do anything to provoke my colleague to take my body when I was unable to fight back. I didn’t ask to be raped. I wasn’t given a chance to fight back. I was completely helpless as he forced himself on me.

For many years, I blamed myself for drinking with strangers. I blamed myself when I couldn’t remember anything past my first drink. I blamed myself when I found my way back to safety. I blamed myself when I denied that I had just been raped. I told myself that no one would believe me. I tried to push the rape out of my mind and pretend that it never happened.

It happened. I may not recall all the details. I do remember wanting to scream as he undressed me. I do remember waking up without clothes. I do remember leaving the room and not knowing who “he” was that had just raped me.

I felt shame for not reporting the incident. At the time, it was the only way I could survive. It took years for me to admit that I was raped. It took years to realize that I wasn’t a victim. I am a survivor of rape. I am a testimony to the strength of the human spirit to overcome trauma. I am greater than my past.