It’s been 20 years. I boarded the plane without any idea of what lay ahead. I was embarking on a 2-year period of psychosis. No amount of time pushes the memories completely out of my psyche.
SERO
It’s been 20 years. Why am I questioning my recent decision to speak up for myself? Why am experiencing those same feelings of rejection?
It’s been 20 years. Why am I questioning my perception? Why don’t I know who to trust?
It’s been 20 years. Why do I feel the same urge to run away? Why am I struggling not to believe that I’d better off “layin’ in that dirt”
It’s been 20 years. I’m not okay. I’m tired. I need help.
It’s been 20 years. I made the decision to accept the necessary help. Surrounded by my Veteran Brothers and Sisters in, I found comfort in knowing that I am not the only one.
It’s been 20 years. I made it to the other side. The pain is no longer pulling me down.
I’m going to be alright. We’re all going to be alright.
Tag: Triggers
Dear Sonia
Dear Sonia,
I know that you feel completely overwhelmed. The current stress associated with your work injury has you spinning. As much as you want to trust the doctors at Concentra, you know that they do not care about injured employees. Instead they care about the corporations who use them to evaluate injured employees. The goal is not to provide top-notch medical care; the goal is to save the insurer money. This unfortunately is the reality of the current situation.
I know that there is another force at play behind the scene. I know that you are dealing with the memories of returning from Germany with physical and mental injuries. As much as you tell yourself that the past cannot hurt you now, you cannot stop the panic that is causing your heart to pound and your body to tense. Fighting the fear is causing you to want to shut off and run away. Fighting the fear is also pushing you to act out of anger; to act hastily. Instead, I implore you to step back for a moment. Take a moment to breathe. Take a moment to believe in your ability to protect yourself in a calm and rational manner. You are smart. You are resourceful. You are your biggest supporter.
Instead of fighting the past, change your focus. Do not dwell on the painful memories of being abandoned; rather, focus on the strength you found to fight back. Focus on the courage it took to demand medical care. Focus on the fact that even while you were somewhat “disconnected” from reality, you found a way to protect yourself.
Believe in yourself. Trust that you will survive once again. You are a warrior. You are a fighter. I love you and I believe in you.
Sincerely, SEROHow Could This Happen to Me?
“[Referring to rape] It already is bigger than everything else. It lives in front of me, behind me, next to me, inside me every single day. My schedule is dictated by it, my habits by it, my music by it.”
― Daisy Whitney, Mockingbirds
On April 10, 2003, I awoke to the sound of the shower. Where was I? Why was I naked? What happened?
How could I report “it” when I didn’t even know what “it” was. That evening I told myself that whatever happened was my fault. I had to put “it” behind me and push forward. It was time for me to focus on my Airman Leadership class; once again I would graduate as a “Honor Graduate.” And that’s what I did. I buried “it”deep down inside.
Over the next year, I felt so much anger. I was so pissed off at the world. And I found myself resenting everything about the Air Force. What happened to the overachiever? The perfectionist? Was I giving up on my dream of becoming a commissioned officer? What was wrong with me?
I volunteered for a 45-day deployment to Rhein Maine, Germany. My hope was that I would remember everything that I loved about serving our Nation. Unfortunately, the 45-day deployment turned into a 53-day, psychotic inducing series of events.
Two days into the deployment, a fellow NCO started to flirt with me. As a female in the Armed Force, it wasn’t anything new. “Boys will be boys”, right? The flirting didn’t feel harmless. And I wondered how many times I would have to deny his request to “give me a massage” in my room.
I did not realize at the time but the “harmless” flirting triggered memories I had buried the previous year. 5,300 miles away from safety, I realized that “it” had happened. I realized that “it” had a name: rape. My acknowledging of the rape was significant. Yet it would not be part of the trauma I experienced in Germany.
I am not a victim of sexual assault. I am a survivor. No amount of inner strength erases the questions that I had when I woke up to the sound of the shower. After the rape and as I endured multiple bouts of psychosis, I often wondered, “How could this happen to me?”
July
“You have too many anniversaries.”
I wish I didn’t have to fight the calendar and the memories associated with certain dates. I wish I had a delete button to erase the the trauma associated with the summer of 2004. I cannot forget.
Many times, I just need to talk it out with someone. I remain quiet out of shame and fear. I’m ashamed that I haven’t been able to forget. I’m ashamed that I still feel the anger, confusion, and the pain. I’m ashamed that I still wonder what I did wrong. The question of “why” haunts me day and night.
It is out of fear that I remain quiet as I try to hide my internal conflict. I’m afraid that I will be a burden by sharing my present struggle. I know I sound like a broken record. The past plays over and over again. How can I expect anyone else to tolerate this repetitive dialogue?
Sharing And Surviving 