Tag: Trauma

20 Years Later: Finding Strength in Vulnerability

It’s been 20 years. I boarded the plane without any idea of what lay ahead. I was embarking on a 2-year period of psychosis. No amount of time pushes the memories completely out of my psyche.
It’s been 20 years. Why am I questioning my recent decision to speak up for myself? Why am experiencing those same feelings of rejection?
It’s been 20 years. Why am I questioning my perception? Why don’t I know who to trust?
It’s been 20 years. Why do I feel the same urge to run away? Why am I struggling not to believe that I’d better off “layin’ in that dirt”
It’s been 20 years. I’m not okay. I’m tired. I need help.
It’s been 20 years. I made the decision to accept the necessary help. Surrounded by my Veteran Brothers and Sisters in, I found comfort in knowing that I am not the only one.
It’s been 20 years. I made it to the other side. The pain is no longer pulling me down.
I’m going to be alright. We’re all going to be alright.

SERO

I’m healing. I’m safe. I’m home.

This summer will be the 20th anniversary of my deployment to Rhein Maine, Germany. I deployed in an attempt to release the anger that started after being sexually assaulted by a fellow Airman in 2023. As Amy Lee sings in Tourniquet, “I tried to kill my pain but only brought more…so much more.”
I’ve often wonder if I imagined the trauma I experienced the summer of 2004. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I tend to blame myself for all of it.

The question I have carried since my return has been: “Why?” Instead of obsessively looking for the answers or numbing myself, I recognize that self-blame gives me a false sense of control. Could I have handled things differently? Sure. I could have done a million things differently. However, all of the “could have’s, should have’s, and would have’’s” serve no purpose other than adding to the guilt and shame.

So how do I deal with the questions and memories? One of the ways I chose to heal was by arranging videos to various songs. The lyrics reflected the feelings trapped inside. I found a way to express what I believed to be unexplainable. When I’m struggling, I use my video journal to remind myself that while I may not be where I want to be, I’m sure as Hell not where I was.

One of my last nights in Germany, I was asked by the Squadron Commander: “What do you want?” My answer was simple: “I just want to go home.” This video captures how I felt when I returned home; alone, unworthy, and rejected. When I’m triggered, I still often feel that way. Instead of latching onto those emotions. I remind myself that I’m stronger than my past and my lowest moments.

I’m healing. I’m safe. I’m home.

– SERO

Avril Lavigne- Nobody’s Home