When I arrived in Germany in June of 2004, I purchased the following CD’s: Evanescence: Fallen, Linkin Park: Meteora, and Alanis Morissette: So-Called Chaos. These three albums would become the soundtrack which enabled me to survive the deployment.
The song named “Excuses” by Alanis Morissette captures how I felt when my comrades turned their backs on me.
Why no one will help me?
I survived the questions by making excuses for the betrayal. I was too difficult. I was too sensitive. It’s impossible to help such a fucked person. The excuses helped me ignore the pain. The excuses helped me turn to perfectionism in an attempt to show them that I was worthy of their approval. The perfectionism lead me to sleep deprivation. The sleep deprivation lead me to psychosis. The psychosis lead to the end of my military career and a lifetime of mental, physical, and emotional damage.
When I look back on my past relationships, I realize that I used excuses to justify staying in an unhealthy relationship. It was so easy for me to justify a partner’s behavior. After all, I couldn’t expect for them to treat me differently. I was too fucked up to deserve someone kind, loving, compassionate, and understanding. I was lucky that they were willing to put up with me and all of my baggage. I truly believe that if I left the relationship, I would remain alone forever. And out of fear, I would stay. After all, no one would ever see me.
In the past and currently, I use excuses to remain single. The excuse that I’ve used at two different points was that I was still in love with an ex. I’d tell myself that it wasn’t fair to be with someone if my heart belonged to someone else. The reality is that I wasn’t in love with my exes. I was clinging to the unattainable to protect myself from developing feelings for another person. If I never develop feelings again, I’d never be hurt again. My excuse provided me with the perfect cave to hide from the world. My excuse was my life line. My excuse fueled the fear of trusting and loving another person. My excuse kept me from truly engaging in life. My excuse pushed potential lovers out of the picture. My excuse kept me safe but also so very lonely.
My goal over the past two years has been to let go of the excuses which have held me back. I recognize that I come with a lot of baggage; but don’t we all? I recognize that while I maybe covered with scars, I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be with someone who sees my scars and celebrates how they come together to form me. I deserve someone who will not use my insecurities against me. I deserve someone who will understand that sometimes I’m just not okay. I deserve someone who will hold me when I feel like I just can’t go on. I deserve to be with someone who reflects the kindness, compassion, love, support, and understanding that I show them.
I ready to stand up for myself and my well-being. I maybe “fucked up;” but under these scars is a woman who deserves to be loved and treated with respect. It’s time to trust myself. It’s time to believe in myself. It’s time to stop making excuses.
Sharing And Surviving 