When I learned the truth, I felt a despair unlike any other. As the reality sunk in, I fell to my knees. I begged God to take me out of this world.
How could she lay next to me while she was sharing her body with another person?
How would I live knowing that our vows didn’t matter to her?
I wanted to hate her. I wanted to find a way to hurt her back as much as I was hurting. In the end I could not do either of those things.
Why? Hating her wouldn’t undo the hurt. Hating her would have slowly killed me. Hating her would have kept my heart locked in a cage forever.
Instead of hating her, I chose to forgive her. Our marriage ended; my love for her didn’t. It took me many years to go from “being in love” with her to loving her as a “friend” but I do truly love her. As her friend, I’ll always have her back and be there.
My decision may not make sense to others but it makes sense to me. I’m grateful that I didn’t let the hate destroy me.
I have had my fair share of hookups, dating, and relationships. Most were much ado about nothing. Fortunately, perhaps unfortunately, two of my past relationships were anything but ordinary. In both instances, I believed that I had found my partner for life. When the relationships ended, I wondered how and when the air knocked from my lungs would return.
How does one regain their breath? How do we let go?
The thing I have learned about myself is that in order to heal, I have to be alone as I face the pain. As time passes, the pain doesn’t disappear. Rather it’s becomes a part of me. Like any other scar, it symbolizes a chapter in my life. With the right person, I will share the story behind the scar. I will reassure them that while it will always be there, it’s just another part of me. I am not ashamed of my scars. Without my past, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
It seems that for most people, breakups and divorces are merely moments of heartache and regret. And I’ll admit that more times than not, breakups seldom kept me down for long. In a blink of an eye, we move on to the next one. What’s the old saying, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new?”
I wonder. Do the people who jump from relationship to relationship have scars? Or do they walk around with wounds which never heal? Yet, this is the socially acceptable way to process a breakup and/or a divorce. As unhealthy as it seems to me, perhaps this is the way to let go. Or perhaps, there isn’t a wrong or right way to move on. Whether a person sprints or crawls, it’s the forward momentum that matters. After all, we all let go differently.
“Sometimes you’re going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” -Heidi Priebe
I’m up here I’m looking at the way down there I’m staring through the I don’t care It’s staring back at me
The beauty is I’m learning how to face my beast Starting now to find some peace Set myself free
Over the past three months, I have undergone many transitions. Transitions in life are stressful for most people. For me, C-PTSD makes change extremely difficult to embrace.
One of the ways I cope with stress is avoidance. With the distractions of work, it was very easy to put on a smile and hide behind a mask. Unfortunately, the distractions aren’t there when I’m on vacation. Reality has finally hit me.
Sadness, regret, guilt, and self-doubt have pushed me into back into the grips of depression. I have felt enveloped by fear; essentially paralyzed for the past two weeks. HOWEVER…I will emerge. I’ve come too far to give up now. It’s time to “get back up!”
I’m moving on Oh god just move on Today I don’t have to fall apart I don’t have to be afraid…. Get back up Get up
It’s almost been three months that we physically went our separate ways. I’ve been dealing with the knowledge that my marriage is over. While I knew in my heart that the end was near, I can’t express the sorrow that I’ve felt since the day we decided not to continue this journey together.
When I met my wife, I was in finally comfortable with the knowledge that I might live the rest of my life as a single woman. I was not looking for love. I suppose that’s why it felt even more natural when we found ourselves lost in our emotions. It felt like I had finally found the woman of my dreams. It felt like despite all of my demons, this woman was madly and deeply in love with me.
When we were joined hands to say our vows, my heart was filled with so much joy and happiness. The event I never believed would happen was happening. My family was there to celebrate our union. When I said forever, I believed that forever we would be our destiny.
I cannot tell you when I started to feel the distance between us start to grow. I cannot tell you when I started to feel alone even when she was right next to me. I cannot tell you when I stopped seeing love in her eyes. Rather than love, I saw annoyance and a sort of pity. Even though she spoke of a future, it didn’t seem possible. The woman who once thought I completed her, didn’t seem to want to spend time with me.
For over a year, I tried to express my sadness. I tried to get her to fight for the relationship. I tried to get her to miss my presence. I tried to recreate the passion that once flowed so strongly between us.
Over the past few months, I have wondered why we did not make it. Was it my fault? Did I push her away? Did I try too hard to hold on? What could I have done differently? Why wasn’t my love enough?
Some days, I realize that the best thing we did was let each other go. And yet, my heart still aches. I truly believed that no matter what life brought our way, we would face it together. I’m physically taking steps to move on with my life. Why cannot my heart catch up with my brain? Why do I feel like I’m missing a part of me?
Perhaps, my heart just needs an explanation. If I knew what caused my marriage to fail, it wouldn’t be so difficult to let it go.
Sharing And Surviving 