It’s almost been three months that we physically went our separate ways. I’ve been dealing with the knowledge that my marriage is over. While I knew in my heart that the end was near, I can’t express the sorrow that I’ve felt since the day we decided not to continue this journey together.
When I met my wife, I was in finally comfortable with the knowledge that I might live the rest of my life as a single woman. I was not looking for love. I suppose that’s why it felt even more natural when we found ourselves lost in our emotions. It felt like I had finally found the woman of my dreams. It felt like despite all of my demons, this woman was madly and deeply in love with me.
When we were joined hands to say our vows, my heart was filled with so much joy and happiness. The event I never believed would happen was happening. My family was there to celebrate our union. When I said forever, I believed that forever we would be our destiny.
I cannot tell you when I started to feel the distance between us start to grow. I cannot tell you when I started to feel alone even when she was right next to me. I cannot tell you when I stopped seeing love in her eyes. Rather than love, I saw annoyance and a sort of pity. Even though she spoke of a future, it didn’t seem possible. The woman who once thought I completed her, didn’t seem to want to spend time with me.
For over a year, I tried to express my sadness. I tried to get her to fight for the relationship. I tried to get her to miss my presence. I tried to recreate the passion that once flowed so strongly between us.
Over the past few months, I have wondered why we did not make it. Was it my fault? Did I push her away? Did I try too hard to hold on? What could I have done differently? Why wasn’t my love enough?
Some days, I realize that the best thing we did was let each other go. And yet, my heart still aches. I truly believed that no matter what life brought our way, we would face it together. I’m physically taking steps to move on with my life. Why cannot my heart catch up with my brain? Why do I feel like I’m missing a part of me?
Perhaps, my heart just needs an explanation. If I knew what caused my marriage to fail, it wouldn’t be so difficult to let it go.
Sharing And Surviving 