Author: SERO

My Answer

In April of 2008, I blogged about my feelings after watching “The Brave One,” starring Jodie Foster. When I first watched it, I was drawn to her description of the stranger she became after her trauma. “It is astonishing, numbing, to find that inside you there is a stranger. One that has your arms…your legs… your eyes. A sleepless, restless stranger who keeps walking…keeps eating…keeps…living.” I, too, saw a stranger each time I looked in the mirror.

The stranger who emerged as a result of my trauma is the woman I am today. My reactions aren’t always justified or warranted. My reflexes are still easily jolted. I often push people away. Sometimes, fear is the only identifiable emotion coursing through my veins in this perpetual state of “fight or flight.” I have often been ashamed of those changes; but that shame stops today.

I’m so much more than the negative characteristics. I’m a woman who shares her heart and loves too easily. Even though I have often regret it, I still trust too easily. I try each day to be a better person than I was yesterday.

As the movie ends, Sarah McLachlan’s song, “Answer,’ begins to play as Jodie Foster’s character, Erica, says, “There is no going back to that other. She’s gone. This thing, this stranger, it’s all you are now.” And in the moment, I realized that my answer CANNOT be found in another person.

The reality is that my strength and the answer on how to continue breathing can only be found from within self. The courage needed to wash away the regret I’ve often felt for “choosing not to fight,” cannot be found in another person. I, alone, need to forgive myself and acknowledge that I did what had to be done in order to survive.

While I am far from perfect…I am enough.

SERO

Harder

November 7, 2004

Anniversaries are common. Some anniversaries are celebratory; and other are not. Whether or not the date is joyous, an anniversary seldom passes without a moment of introspection.

Before November 7, 2004, the date was a day of celebration. November 7th is my Father’s birthday. However, November 7, 2004, was not only my Father’s birthday but also a date of personal growth.

On this date, I begged God to either end my life or give me the strength to get up off my knees and give me the courage to face my reality. As I stood up, I was not sure how I would navigate my way out of my trauma induced-psychosis. All I knew for certain was that I was ready to fight.

This November 7th, I was feeling depressed and defeated. Normally when I’m depressed, I’ll listen to sad music. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I decided to listen to new music suggested by iTunes. The first song that played was Harder by Keala Settle. The lyrics of this song resonated deep within my soul.

When I was in that place
I’d look in the mirror wishing she could go away
Never thought that I would still be here today
I’m still fighting but I’m stronger every step I take along the way

I was reminded that I‘m still not ready to give up. I am a testament that a person can be lost and find their way back. If you’re in a bad mental place, please don’t give up. Let’s fight harder together.

https://youtu.be/gGekzcDVmmY

Every Back Is Turned

I had an psych appointment today at VA. As I approached the waiting area, I recognized a male member of my squadron. He was someone in my line of command whom I had trusted and respected. Unfortunately, his inaction destroyed both of those ideals after my deployment to Germany. Even though we had made eye contact, he quickly shifted his attention as I sat across from him. I wonder was he embarrassed to be seen seeking mental help or was he just avoiding me. Whatever his reasoning, I know why I refused to acknowledge his presence. He was one of the people who didn’t help me when I needed help the most. Instead of being a leader, he let rumors and speculations dictate his behavior.

I arranged this video several years ago. The lyrics reminded me of how I felt when another NCO told me that no one in our squadron believed that I had been raped. I never told any one in my squadron about the rape nor was I provided with an opportunity to explain what happened to me while I was deployed to Germany. How did my personal trauma become known throughout my section? Which of my past actions caused them to doubt an event they knew nothing about?

I can never forget the betrayal and that is why I could not make ‘small talk’ with the man who lead my section. I forgive myself for trusting my fellow Airmen but I’m not willing or able to forgive them for turning their backs on me.

Ideas of Reference

Getting ready for work, I felt my thoughts trying to take over me. All of the events and conversation from yesterday started to shift to form a picture different than reality.

  • I’m not safe.
  • They’re working against me.
  • I’m under surveillance (which is true with my employer).

These are just some of the fleeting undertones which sped through my mind. My pulse quickened as I searched for other signs of danger.
“Ideas of reference” is one of the hardest aftermath of the trauma I experienced in 2004. Although I’m now able to rationalize away the anxious thoughts, I wish this thought pattern would leave me. When a person looks at me, they can’t see my internal battle. I’m in a constant battle against my thoughts and the fear which lays just beneath the surface.
I’m afraid of so many things but the main thing is that I will lose myself to my thoughts. I’m afraid that I will return to the altered reality which my mind created to survive my trauma. I’m afraid to lose myself.
So as I get ready to face another day, I remind myself that I am not lost. I am safe. And no matter how many times I have to fight my thoughts, I am strong. I will continue to fight. I am not a victim. I am a SURVIVOR.

Resisting My Thoughts

Today was a day full of self doubt as I fought against my thinking. How can I explain the lure of an imaginary world created to help me survive my traumatic experience while deployed? For me, there is a thin line between sanity and insanity. I fear this line more than anything. For me, finding my way back to reality was a two year struggle. The day I boarded the plane to leave Germany, my grasp on reality seemed to slip away in an instant. Betrayal. Mind games. Relentless harassment from my brothers and sisters in arms. Where did I go wrong? Why did they turn against me? Why did they pretend to be my ‘friends’ to my face; yet, call me a traitor behind my back? Why? The day I left Germany, I felt as though a part of me was dying. In order to survive, I created an imaginary world. In my imaginary world, I was safe and everyone I came into contact with was sent to help me. So many unreal beliefs helped me survive. I can never explain the comfort I found in my delusions. I can never explain that while my delusions were comforting, there was always so much fear beneath the surface.

Over the past 14 years, the memories of my imaginary world fill my soul with shame. So many times, I wish I could explain to people who abandoned me after Germany. I wish I could explain that the person I became in order to survive wasn’t really me. Somewhere and somehow, I had become someone lost in delusions and paranoia. While there are individuals I wish I could apologize to, there are also those that I wish I could seek vengeance against. When I needed help the most, I found myself alone and pushed out of sight. Betrayal. Who knew it could cause so much anguish?

Today, my thoughts were deafening. I had to fight off paranoia as “ideas of reference” tried to take over my thinking. While I love my job, I have experienced a great deal of harassment from management. I’m not the only employee who is constantly under the radar. In truth, we all are as drivers. However, there are certain individuals that management tries to “break” into bending the rules to make their unrealistic productivity goals. I am one of those individuals. The thing that management does not realize is that the harassment hits me a little differently. It triggers my PTSD. When my PTSD is triggered, I doubt myself. I often wonder if I am fighting the current situation or the inescapable memories of yesterday.

While I found myself fighting my past today, I also recognize that I still possess the strength to challenge my thinking. It is because of my past that I am able to find the courage to stand up for myself. While I may not make their numbers, I am a good employee. While I maybe “slow,” I try to give my customers the best service possible. I don’t take shortcuts. There is a right and a wrong way to do my job, and I will always pick the right way. I will always put integrity first.

Even though I felt myself stumble on my thoughts today, I pushed past it and made it through the day. So in many ways, I’m strangely grateful for my past.

Somethings Only God Can Forgive

This song reminds me of how I felt when I returned from Germany. I was lost in a delusional world. I didn’t know how I would escape…but I did.

“Am I dead?
Or is this one of those dreams?
Those horrible dreams that seem like they last forever.
If I’m alive, why?
Why?
If there’s a God, or whatever, something, somewhere, why have I been abandoned by everyone and everything I’ve ever known, I’ve ever loved?
Stranded.
What is the lesson?
What is the point?
God give me a sign or I have to give up.
I can’t do this anymore.
Please just let me die.
Being alive hurts too much.”

Be Alright

 

“But it’s not the fact that you kissed him yesterday, it’s the feeling of betrayal that I just can’t seem to shake.” ~Dean Lewis

When I heard this song, I was reminded of my own journey.  Two years ago today, my marriage ended.  While there were many signs that it was over, it was still incredibly difficult to walk away.  While our marriage wasn’t perfect, I truly believed in my vows and desperately wanted to make it work. While it would take several months to get the heartwrenching confirmation, I knew the truth: my ex-wife strayed from our marriage vows.  While I have moved on with my life, the hurt caused by the affair remains. As the lyrics state, “nothing heals the past like time and they can’t steal the love you’re born to find.”  This fact continues to help me push past the hurt. After all, “it’ll be alright.”

“In politics, what begins in fear usually ends in folly.” -Coleridge

Over the past 20 months, I have continually wonder how the Republicans party stands behind Trump. Trump’s behavior is a constant source of embarrassment to the United States of America. The demeanor associated with the office of the President has been eradicated by Trump.

There is no way to explain the heaviness I feel every day as I read the news. How could this man be elected to represent the virtues once associated with the President of the United States? What happened to our Country? In my opinion, it all boils down to fear and racism. It is easier to fear differences rather than educate oneself on different cultures and religions. It is easier to blame others for the shortcomings in one’s life. When did it become acceptable for a President to demoralize others based on gender, weight, intellect, and ability? Many Americans like Trump because “he’s not politically correct.” Is it politically correct to respect diversity? The words and actions of Trump only serve to further alienate minorities and our Allies. Trump’s utilization of fear incites hate crimes and further divides our Nation.

I have tried to understand the devotion and admiration demonstrated by Trump supporters.  I tried to find a way to respect Trump as the Leader of our Nation. No matter how much I try, I just can’t do it.

 

Kudos ABC and ICM Partners

After reading the news about ABC’s decision to cancel “Rosanne,” I hesitantly scrolled through my Facebook feed. Even though it’s somewhat expected, it still saddens me to see that there is outrage from some of my conservative friends about the cancellation.
ABC and ICM Partners have ended their professional relationship with Barr in response to her tweet. Barr’s tweet is based on islamophobia and racism. Both constructs only serve to further divide humanity and are fueled by hatred, intolerance, and fear.
Neither company is infringing on Barr’s freedom of speech; rather, their actions show that they are unwilling to condone islamophobia and racism.
Americans are entitled to express their opinions/beliefs via social media. However, as with Barr, there are potential consequences when those values do not reflect those of their employer.
Kudos to ABC and ICM Partners.
“We have to turn it into a teaching moment.” ~Ms. Jarrett

 

So how do you get past it?

Some people they stay in that pain forever, ’cause they don’t think anyone else will believe them or understand what they went through.

You tell yourself,

“I’m still here. And I’ll be here tomorrow and the day after. And it wasn’t my fault.”

‘Cause that’s the deal we make with the world every time we get out of bed in the morning.

“Hurt me all you want, but the bastards don’t get to win!”

~Father Marcus, The Exorcist: The Next Chapter

 

July


“You have too many anniversaries.” 

I wish I didn’t have to fight the calendar and the memories associated with certain dates. I wish I had a delete button to erase the the trauma associated with the summer of 2004. I cannot forget.

Many times, I just need to talk it out with someone. I remain quiet out of shame and fear. I’m ashamed that I haven’t been able to forget. I’m ashamed that I still feel the anger, confusion, and the pain. I’m ashamed that I still wonder what I did wrong. The question of “why” haunts me day and night.

It is out of fear that I remain quiet as I try to hide my internal conflict. I’m afraid that I will be a burden by sharing my present struggle. I know I sound like a broken record.  The past plays over and over again. How can I expect anyone else to tolerate this repetitive dialogue?

 

Get Back Up!

I’m up here
I’m looking at the way down there
I’m staring through the I don’t care
It’s staring back at me

The beauty is
I’m learning how to face my beast
Starting now to find some peace
Set myself free

Over the past three months, I have undergone many transitions. Transitions in life are stressful for most people. For me,  C-PTSD makes change extremely difficult to embrace.

One of the ways I cope with stress is avoidance. With the distractions of work, it was very easy to put on a smile and hide behind a mask. Unfortunately, the distractions aren’t there when I’m on vacation. Reality has finally hit me.

Sadness, regret, guilt, and self-doubt have pushed me into back into the grips of depression. I have felt enveloped by fear; essentially paralyzed for the past two weeks. HOWEVER…I will emerge. I’ve come too far to give up now. It’s time to “get back up!”

I’m moving on
Oh god just move on
Today
I don’t have to fall apart
I don’t have to be afraid….
Get back up
Get up

 

The Silent Struggle

I have felt an unexplainable amount of fatigue since the moment I opened my eyes this morning. 

What’s the cause of this desire to hibernate and crawl into myself? I volunteered to take pictures at a social event tonight. 

I love helping the community by donating my time to capture a moment in time. Still, the moments leading up to the actual event play havoc on my anxious mind as I fight the inevitable desire is to “SHUT DOWN.” Here are some of the questions which start to swirl around in my head:

  • What will I talk about? 
  • Will people be able to tell that I’m screaming in the inside? 
  • Will I say something to embarrass myself or someone else? 
  • Will my need to escape be evident? 
  • Will I be able to be in the present moment and simply enjoy myself? 
  • Why can’t I just be “normal?

I can will myself not to give into my racing thoughts and try my best not to avoid social gatherings. I continually fight my desire to become a hermit. 

So what is my point? 

While social anxiety may not make sense to every one, it’s important to practice patience with those who struggle with it. We really don’t know the struggles/battles another person is facing. So instead of resisting it, we should embrace one another’s little quirks. When you see someone, remember to kind to them. Behind someone’s smile, there maybe a nervous soul desperately trying to fit in. 

Separation

It’s almost been three months that we physically went our separate ways. I’ve been dealing with the knowledge that my marriage is over. While I knew in my heart that the end was near, I can’t express the sorrow that I’ve felt since the day we decided not to continue this journey together.

When I met my wife, I was in finally comfortable with the knowledge that I might live the rest of my life as a single woman. I was not looking for love. I suppose that’s why it felt even more natural when we found ourselves lost in our emotions. It felt like I had finally found the woman of my dreams. It felt like despite all of my demons, this woman was madly and deeply in love with me.

When we were joined hands to say our vows, my heart was filled with so much joy and happiness. The event I never believed would happen was happening. My family was there to celebrate our union. When I said forever, I believed that forever we would be our destiny.

I cannot tell you when I started to feel the distance between us start to grow. I cannot tell you when I started to feel alone even when she was right next to me. I cannot tell you when I stopped seeing love in her eyes. Rather than love, I saw annoyance and a sort of pity. Even though she spoke of a future, it didn’t seem possible. The woman who once thought I completed her, didn’t seem to want to spend time with me.

For over a year, I tried to express my sadness. I tried to get her to fight for the relationship. I tried to get her to miss my presence. I tried to recreate the passion that once flowed so strongly between us.

Over the past few months, I have wondered why we did not make it. Was it my fault? Did I push her away? Did I try too hard to hold on? What could I have done differently? Why wasn’t my love enough?

Some days, I realize that the best thing we did was let each other go. And yet, my heart still aches. I truly believed that no matter what life brought our way, we would face it together. I’m physically taking steps to move on with my life. Why cannot my heart catch up with my brain? Why do I feel like I’m missing a part of me?

Perhaps, my heart just needs an explanation. If I knew what caused my marriage to fail, it wouldn’t be so difficult to let it go.

20 Minutes of “action”

Brock Turner was convicted on 3 felony charges of sexual assault on an unconscious woman. Yet his father and more importantly, Judge Aaron Persky do not feel that his actions merit the possible prison sentence of 14 years. Turner’s father has said his son should not have to go to prison for “20 minutes of action”. Judge Aaron Persky, said positive character references and a lack of a criminal record persuaded him to be more lenient. Judge Persky said, prison would have a “severe impact on him.” Turner, a convicted sexual offender, is only expected to serve 3 months of imprisonment. Yet the victim is sentenced to a life of mental imprisonment. I know the questions which will plague her FOREVER. I am a survivor of a rape which I also cannot remember. In April of 2003, I was raped by a fellow Airman  attending a military training in Knoxville, Tennessee. I will never know what happened to me. 

I remember fighting to stay awake as he touched me and undressed me. In my head, I was screaming “no.” Why didn’t he stop?  Why was I just laying there? Why couldn’t I move? 

I awakened to the sound of a shower. Where was I? Why was I naked? Who was in the shower?  I grabbed the stranger’s red t-shirt to cover myself as I fled the room. Panicked and afraid, I didn’t realize that the room was next to my own assigned dormitory room. Realization of where I was, revealed the stranger’s identity. The “stranger” was my classmate, a fellow member of the US Air Force, and someone I thought was my “friend.” His identity only confused me more. 

In the safety of my own room, I removed the only protection I had: his red t-shirt. I will never forget the smell of it. It smelled like cigarettes and him. Disgusted. I threw it into the empty closet.  After shutting the closet doors, I laid down on my own bed and tried to shut off my racing mind. I couldn’t make sense of what happened. Why couldn’t I remember the minutes or hours before I woke up naked?  I immediately blamed myself for whatever happened. I told myself that I must have “asked for it.” I told myself to just forget it. No one would believe me if I reported it. Why? I went to the bar with my “friend” and bought the only drink I remember consuming that night. All had was questions and unaccountable lapses of time. 

Unlike my “friend,” I didn’t have the energy to take a shower. I wasn’t able to wash away my memories. All I wanted to do was and forget the few details I could remember. Forgetting, unfortunately, is impossible. 

The next morning, he approached me and asked, “Did I do something wrong?” Shame filled me. I didn’t know the answer. With my head down, I replied, “It’s just me.” Why didn’t I stand up for myself? Why didn’t I ask him why he took advantage of me? Why didn’t I say, “YES! You raped me!” 

For the next 6 weeks, I slept in the room next to him. I saw him every day in class. At graduation, I had to sit next to him as we were sitted alphabetically. After graduation, he introduced me to his wife. I was embarrassed as she shook my hand. Why? I didn’t do anything wrong. 

Later that night, I packed and prepared to return home. The last thing I emptied was the closet that contained his t-shirt. I’ll never understand why I felt the need to return it to him, but I did. As I left the dormitory for the last time, I hung it on his door. Perhaps it was my way of saying that we both knew what happened. My “friend” had raped me.  

It would take 14 months for me to tell someone what happened to me. It took me 14 months to be able to admit that I had been raped. I never reported the incident formally out of fear. I was afraid that no one would believe me. At times I regret my decision to remain quiet. I let a rapist remain aynomous and unpunished. And then cases like the Stanford Sexual Assault Case  seem to only reinforce my decision.  I made the decision because I felt it was the only way to survive and be safe. It was my only way of regaining control of my life and ultimately my body. 

Turner will never know what it feels like to have a part of your soul shattered. He will never understand that his victim will replay that evening over and over as she desperately attempts to make sense of it. He will never know how it feels to be completely empty. 

Turner destroyed his own reputation and future. He was not confused. Turner deserves to have his life “severely impacted” for his “20 minutes of action.” 

My hope for Turner’s victim is that only day she will see the truth. She is not a victim anymore. She is a SURVIVOR. The memories and questions will remain; this spiritual revelation  will reveal the tremendous amount of strength she possess. She is a fighter! I admire the courage and bravery needed to face her rapist. 

Till It Happens To You

The Ups and Downs

Work has been incredibly stressful for the past few months. I’m constantly being written up and harassed by management. If I didn’t have 18 years under my belt, walking away would be such an easy option. 

I was once cautioned by my Psychiatrist not to work full-time. Did I make the wrong decision when I went full-time? I’ve survived 4 years so far. I can’t let fear rule my life and keep me home. I’m not a quitter. 

Some days I feel so strong and indestructible. And then there are days like today. Days that my body and mind want to shut down. I want to just close my eyes and have it all disappear. I’m just so tired. 

For now, I will keep my head up and keep on fighting the good fight. 

Survivor

Today as I got dressed for work, my mind wandered to the past. I wondered if I would be able to work safely or if I would be filled with anxiety all day. 

Part of me wanted to stay home and give into the anxiety. I took my time getting ready and allowed myself to reflect  on the significance of today’s date. 

My life was altered forever on this date in 2003. I will never be able to remember the details of the rape due to being drugged. I will never be able to fill in the gaps of time. I will never be able to process the evening. I wonder is it better that the night is a blur or does it hinder my ability to heal. 

All I  know is that I didn’t do anything to provoke my colleague to take my body when I was unable to fight back. I didn’t ask to be raped. I wasn’t given a chance to fight back. I was completely helpless as he forced himself on me.

For many years, I blamed myself for drinking with strangers. I blamed myself when I couldn’t remember anything past my first drink. I blamed myself when I found my way back to safety. I blamed myself when I denied that I had just been raped. I told myself that no one would believe me. I tried to push the rape out of my mind and pretend that it never happened.

It happened. I may not recall all the details. I do remember wanting to scream as he undressed me. I do remember waking up without clothes. I do remember leaving the room and not knowing who “he” was that had just raped me.

I felt shame for not reporting the incident. At the time, it was the only way I could survive. It took years for me to admit that I was raped. It took years to realize that I wasn’t a victim. I am a survivor of rape. I am a testimony to the strength of the human spirit to overcome trauma. I am greater than my past.