This summer will be the 20th anniversary of my deployment to Rhein Maine, Germany. I deployed in an attempt to release the anger that started after being sexually assaulted by a fellow Airman in 2023. As Amy Lee sings in Tourniquet, “I tried to kill my pain but only brought more…so much more.”
I’ve often wonder if I imagined the trauma I experienced the summer of 2004. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I tend to blame myself for all of it.
The question I have carried since my return has been: “Why?” Instead of obsessively looking for the answers or numbing myself, I recognize that self-blame gives me a false sense of control. Could I have handled things differently? Sure. I could have done a million things differently. However, all of the “could have’s, should have’s, and would have’’s” serve no purpose other than adding to the guilt and shame.
So how do I deal with the questions and memories? One of the ways I chose to heal was by arranging videos to various songs. The lyrics reflected the feelings trapped inside. I found a way to express what I believed to be unexplainable. When I’m struggling, I use my video journal to remind myself that while I may not be where I want to be, I’m sure as Hell not where I was.
One of my last nights in Germany, I was asked by the Squadron Commander: “What do you want?” My answer was simple: “I just want to go home.” This video captures how I felt when I returned home; alone, unworthy, and rejected. When I’m triggered, I still often feel that way. Instead of latching onto those emotions. I remind myself that I’m stronger than my past and my lowest moments.
I’m healing. I’m safe. I’m home.
– SERO
Sharing And Surviving 