Healing…how many times are we told that we have to forgive the transgressions of others? How many times have we been told that part of healing is letting go? These ideas have lead to shame and unnecessary self-torture.
The above scene from “The Handmaid’s Tale” echoed my own desire for revenge. I saved my rapist’s business card for years. I fantasized on finding him to slowly inflict my vengeance. I wanted to kill him; but even more, I wanted to destroy his sense of normality and safety. I wanted him to feel the same pain that I have felt since that night. I wanted him to beg death to take him because the thought of living another day was too painful. I wanted to ruin his ability to be intimate with another human. I wanted to destroy his life.
Luckily the fear of prison was greater than my desire for revenge. While it took almost a decade, I allowed myself to destroy that business card. While I can never avenge myself, I openly admit that wish him pain. Forgiveness will never an option.
“Holy water cannot help you now.
Thousand armies couldn’t keep me out.
I don’t want your money.
I don’t want your crown.
See, I have to burn your kingdom down.”
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