I voluntarily admitted myself for inpatient, psychiatric care; once in March 2006 and then again in October 2006. I couldn’t control my thoughts: paranoia, ideas of reference, obsessive thinking, and indescribable delusions. I needed a safe place to bring myself back to reality. After the second admission, I wondered if I would become a frequent flyer at Ward 7. Was this going to be how I coped when life became overwhelming?
In an attempt to distract myself and perhaps normalize mental illness, I began to seek out movies like Girl, Interrupted. I needed to know that I was not the only person battling my mind. The following quote from the Girl, Interrupted hit me hard:
What world is this? What kingdom? What shores of what world? It’s a very big question you’re faced with Susanna. The choice of your life. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? Are they flaws? If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital for life? Big questions. Big decisions. Not surprising you’d profess carelessness about them.
I realized that while I may live with the fear of returning to an altered reality, I had to make a decision. Was I going to limit my life in order to avoid another possible bout of stress-induced psychosis? Or was I going to find a way to fight/challenge my thinking and live with mental illness?
It has been almost 15 years since my last inpatient, psychiatric admission. I wish I could say that during those 15 years, I have been in complete control of my thoughts. I’ve had moments of extreme paranoia. I’ve had moments that I want to beg my psychiatrist to put me back on an antipsychotic. And I have had moments that I wondered if I needed to admit myself for inpatient treatment. While it has not been an easy battle, I am grateful that I have not let C-PTSD keep me from living.
To my friends and family who maybe struggling, please find a way to live. There is no shame in asking for help, taking medication, or sharing your struggles. It’s not easy; but you’re worth the fight! “Do not drop anchor here.”
Sharing And Surviving 