In April of 2008, I blogged about my feelings after watching “The Brave One,” starring Jodie Foster. When I first watched it, I was drawn to her description of the stranger she became after her trauma. “It is astonishing, numbing, to find that inside you there is a stranger. One that has your arms…your legs… your eyes. A sleepless, restless stranger who keeps walking…keeps eating…keeps…living.” I, too, saw a stranger each time I looked in the mirror.
The stranger who emerged as a result of my trauma is the woman I am today. My reactions aren’t always justified or warranted. My reflexes are still easily jolted. I often push people away. Sometimes, fear is the only identifiable emotion coursing through my veins in this perpetual state of “fight or flight.” I have often been ashamed of those changes; but that shame stops today.
I’m so much more than the negative characteristics. I’m a woman who shares her heart and loves too easily. Even though I have often regret it, I still trust too easily. I try each day to be a better person than I was yesterday.
As the movie ends, Sarah McLachlan’s song, “Answer,’ begins to play as Jodie Foster’s character, Erica, says, “There is no going back to that other. She’s gone. This thing, this stranger, it’s all you are now.” And in the moment, I realized that my answer CANNOT be found in another person.
The reality is that my strength and the answer on how to continue breathing can only be found from within self. The courage needed to wash away the regret I’ve often felt for “choosing not to fight,” cannot be found in another person. I, alone, need to forgive myself and acknowledge that I did what had to be done in order to survive.
While I am far from perfect…I am enough.
SERO
Sharing And Surviving 