I had an psych appointment today at VA. As I approached the waiting area, I recognized a male member of my squadron. He was someone in my line of command whom I had trusted and respected. Unfortunately, his inaction destroyed both of those ideals after my deployment to Germany. Even though we had made eye contact, he quickly shifted his attention as I sat across from him. I wonder was he embarrassed to be seen seeking mental help or was he just avoiding me. Whatever his reasoning, I know why I refused to acknowledge his presence. He was one of the people who didn’t help me when I needed help the most. Instead of being a leader, he let rumors and speculations dictate his behavior.
I arranged this video several years ago. The lyrics reminded me of how I felt when another NCO told me that no one in our squadron believed that I had been raped. I never told any one in my squadron about the rape nor was I provided with an opportunity to explain what happened to me while I was deployed to Germany. How did my personal trauma become known throughout my section? Which of my past actions caused them to doubt an event they knew nothing about?
I can never forget the betrayal and that is why I could not make ‘small talk’ with the man who lead my section. I forgive myself for trusting my fellow Airmen but I’m not willing or able to forgive them for turning their backs on me.
Sharing And Surviving 