Resisting My Thoughts

Today was a day full of self doubt as I fought against my thinking. How can I explain the lure of an imaginary world created to help me survive my traumatic experience while deployed? For me, there is a thin line between sanity and insanity. I fear this line more than anything. For me, finding my way back to reality was a two year struggle. The day I boarded the plane to leave Germany, my grasp on reality seemed to slip away in an instant. Betrayal. Mind games. Relentless harassment from my brothers and sisters in arms. Where did I go wrong? Why did they turn against me? Why did they pretend to be my ‘friends’ to my face; yet, call me a traitor behind my back? Why? The day I left Germany, I felt as though a part of me was dying. In order to survive, I created an imaginary world. In my imaginary world, I was safe and everyone I came into contact with was sent to help me. So many unreal beliefs helped me survive. I can never explain the comfort I found in my delusions. I can never explain that while my delusions were comforting, there was always so much fear beneath the surface.

Over the past 14 years, the memories of my imaginary world fill my soul with shame. So many times, I wish I could explain to people who abandoned me after Germany. I wish I could explain that the person I became in order to survive wasn’t really me. Somewhere and somehow, I had become someone lost in delusions and paranoia. While there are individuals I wish I could apologize to, there are also those that I wish I could seek vengeance against. When I needed help the most, I found myself alone and pushed out of sight. Betrayal. Who knew it could cause so much anguish?

Today, my thoughts were deafening. I had to fight off paranoia as “ideas of reference” tried to take over my thinking. While I love my job, I have experienced a great deal of harassment from management. I’m not the only employee who is constantly under the radar. In truth, we all are as drivers. However, there are certain individuals that management tries to “break” into bending the rules to make their unrealistic productivity goals. I am one of those individuals. The thing that management does not realize is that the harassment hits me a little differently. It triggers my PTSD. When my PTSD is triggered, I doubt myself. I often wonder if I am fighting the current situation or the inescapable memories of yesterday.

While I found myself fighting my past today, I also recognize that I still possess the strength to challenge my thinking. It is because of my past that I am able to find the courage to stand up for myself. While I may not make their numbers, I am a good employee. While I maybe “slow,” I try to give my customers the best service possible. I don’t take shortcuts. There is a right and a wrong way to do my job, and I will always pick the right way. I will always put integrity first.

Even though I felt myself stumble on my thoughts today, I pushed past it and made it through the day. So in many ways, I’m strangely grateful for my past.