Brock Turner was convicted on 3 felony charges of sexual assault on an unconscious woman. Yet his father and more importantly, Judge Aaron Persky do not feel that his actions merit the possible prison sentence of 14 years. Turner’s father has said his son should not have to go to prison for “20 minutes of action”. Judge Aaron Persky, said positive character references and a lack of a criminal record persuaded him to be more lenient. Judge Persky said, prison would have a “severe impact on him.” Turner, a convicted sexual offender, is only expected to serve 3 months of imprisonment. Yet the victim is sentenced to a life of mental imprisonment. I know the questions which will plague her FOREVER. I am a survivor of a rape which I also cannot remember. In April of 2003, I was raped by a fellow Airman attending a military training in Knoxville, Tennessee. I will never know what happened to me.
I remember fighting to stay awake as he touched me and undressed me. In my head, I was screaming “no.” Why didn’t he stop? Why was I just laying there? Why couldn’t I move?
I awakened to the sound of a shower. Where was I? Why was I naked? Who was in the shower? I grabbed the stranger’s red t-shirt to cover myself as I fled the room. Panicked and afraid, I didn’t realize that the room was next to my own assigned dormitory room. Realization of where I was, revealed the stranger’s identity. The “stranger” was my classmate, a fellow member of the US Air Force, and someone I thought was my “friend.” His identity only confused me more.
In the safety of my own room, I removed the only protection I had: his red t-shirt. I will never forget the smell of it. It smelled like cigarettes and him. Disgusted. I threw it into the empty closet. After shutting the closet doors, I laid down on my own bed and tried to shut off my racing mind. I couldn’t make sense of what happened. Why couldn’t I remember the minutes or hours before I woke up naked? I immediately blamed myself for whatever happened. I told myself that I must have “asked for it.” I told myself to just forget it. No one would believe me if I reported it. Why? I went to the bar with my “friend” and bought the only drink I remember consuming that night. All had was questions and unaccountable lapses of time.
Unlike my “friend,” I didn’t have the energy to take a shower. I wasn’t able to wash away my memories. All I wanted to do was and forget the few details I could remember. Forgetting, unfortunately, is impossible.
The next morning, he approached me and asked, “Did I do something wrong?” Shame filled me. I didn’t know the answer. With my head down, I replied, “It’s just me.” Why didn’t I stand up for myself? Why didn’t I ask him why he took advantage of me? Why didn’t I say, “YES! You raped me!”
For the next 6 weeks, I slept in the room next to him. I saw him every day in class. At graduation, I had to sit next to him as we were sitted alphabetically. After graduation, he introduced me to his wife. I was embarrassed as she shook my hand. Why? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Later that night, I packed and prepared to return home. The last thing I emptied was the closet that contained his t-shirt. I’ll never understand why I felt the need to return it to him, but I did. As I left the dormitory for the last time, I hung it on his door. Perhaps it was my way of saying that we both knew what happened. My “friend” had raped me.
It would take 14 months for me to tell someone what happened to me. It took me 14 months to be able to admit that I had been raped. I never reported the incident formally out of fear. I was afraid that no one would believe me. At times I regret my decision to remain quiet. I let a rapist remain aynomous and unpunished. And then cases like the Stanford Sexual Assault Case seem to only reinforce my decision. I made the decision because I felt it was the only way to survive and be safe. It was my only way of regaining control of my life and ultimately my body.
Turner will never know what it feels like to have a part of your soul shattered. He will never understand that his victim will replay that evening over and over as she desperately attempts to make sense of it. He will never know how it feels to be completely empty.
Turner destroyed his own reputation and future. He was not confused. Turner deserves to have his life “severely impacted” for his “20 minutes of action.”
My hope for Turner’s victim is that only day she will see the truth. She is not a victim anymore. She is a SURVIVOR. The memories and questions will remain; this spiritual revelation will reveal the tremendous amount of strength she possess. She is a fighter! I admire the courage and bravery needed to face her rapist.
Sharing And Surviving 